Saturday, September 17, 2011

It's a service I provide. Really.

In the "I do it so you don't have to" category, here's a helpful hint: It isn't enough just to put water and ground coffee in the coffee maker on a Saturday morning. You must also TURN IT ON in order to actually get coffee.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

If only there were applause

So when we got a cat last week (Did I mention we got a cat? No? He's adorable and great with the kids.) there was one thing I didn't anticipate: He's another audience member. Just as my beautiful kids can't help but come to see what I'm doing the moment I'm in the bathroom/shower/on the phone/folding laundry, the cat must visit me as well. I can be sitting and wishing for a cat for long minutes, but the moment I'd like just a little privacy I now have one more potential visitor.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Really it's only half done

Every week I do this to myself. On Fridays, I do a bunch of wash so that we can have clean sheets for the weekend. I do a load here and there throughout the week, but I can count on three or four on Fridays. As I put the last load in the dryer I always think "Yippee! That's done!" Nope. It's nearly half done. The easy half is nearly done. It's not done until it's folded and put away. Perhaps that will get done by Tuesday, when I need the dryer again...

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Friday, September 2, 2011

It's your choice

I've heard of "Driver's Choice" when it comes to the radio selection on car trips. I've been unprepared for the "Choices" available when you have children.

Me to three-year old: Leave your brother alone when he's going potty!
Seven-year old to me: Pooper's Choice, Mom! She can stay!

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

First the hair, then the clothing

So last week I had a hair mishap before heading to the grocery. This week it was clothing. I actually remembered panties (yippee!) but I put on a favorite pink tank in the locker room only to find it was stained with a mystery substance. It's that stain that I know it's a stain but to others might appear that I'm just not capable of using a cup properly after thirty-odd years of practice. No, I don't know how it got there and I reserve the right to refuse that the idea that I do not, in fact, know how to use a cup after decades of practice is true.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Au Naturale

So this past week I got to the gym with my trusty bag filled with my items for a shower - a shower free of an audience of any kind. That's bliss, baby. So after my solo shower, I'm getting ready to head to the grocery store and find that I'm missing something. It appears that my daughter "helped" me unload my bag without my knowledge and removed my hairbrush. It was not my best hair day at the grocery store. Sadly it wasn't my worst, either.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The best laid plans

All day, I have planned out what chores need to be done and when. Meals, gym time, laundry, dishes, child maintenance (playing, bathing, benign neglect) and the like are all neatly scheduled to be completed by the time my husband comes home. This is done in hopes that he can have a happy few minutes with the kids before bed and so that we might be able to enjoy a few moments together before passing out ourselves about 10 p.m. So imagine my dismay and surprise when I get to the "dishes" portion of the day and open the dishwasher to put away clean dishes. Only the dishes are decidedly NOT clean. What on earth could be wrong with my brand spanking new dishwasher that would make it leave the dishes this dirty? I begin contemplating how to cash in on the manufacturer's warranty when suddenly I realize exactly what's wrong.

I never put soap in and turned the dishwasher on this morning.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Something I should be grateful for, but I'm not.

So I have another little blog over here. I should be thankful that while my daughter refused to nap today, she is in a perfectly pleasant mood. I am NOT. She is three and mommy still needs the sanity break time to watch crappy television off the DVR time to get stuff done. The least she could do is be a little monster by 5:45 and prove that she still needs the nap...

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

I got nothin'

Okay kids, I know I've been absent. We went on a wonderful vacation to the beach. I could tell you about how I was afraid to get on the scale at the gym this morning (it wasn't too bad, actually), but that is only because we ate so much amazing food that I didn't have to prepare. I could tell you how the entire family is sensitive skinned and therefore red and splotchy, but that's only because we had so much fun at the beautiful beach building sand castles and playing in the surf. I could tell you that I did laundry ON VACATION, but that was only because there was a washer and dryer in the condo and we only had one small load of laundry to do when we got home. I'm sure that this last week before school starts up again will bring the funny trials that I expect from daily life, but today I got nothin'. XOXO

Friday, August 5, 2011


It's 100 degrees in the shade on my back porch and we are leaving for an eagerly awaited vacation on Sunday. And my AC isn't working properly and every repair place is busy. Because it's 104 as a high today. And I can't be here for someone on Monday. BALLS.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

First, second, third, fourth...

We are going on vacation next week and that, frankly, is AWESOME. What is not awesome about the week leading up to vacation? Getting ready to go on vacation. I'm a list maker when it comes to making sure that we have what we need. I can't grocery shop without a list and I wouldn't dream of packing without one either. Not just clothes and underwear and socks and sunscreen and stuffed friends for sleeping. A laundry schedule, shopping list (what will we eat with no leftovers, what will be take, what will we want to have the night we get home), acceptable restaurants and activities at our destination. I think I must be super-fun to live with this week.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Say a little prayer for me

So the seven-year old went to a church music camp this morning (he loved it!) and one of the activities was a craft. He made a prayer cup on which the kids were to write the name of someone who was mean to them, so the kids could pray for the "meanie". Um, okay. I guess I can get behind praying for our enemies. But what name did my son put down as his person for whom to pray? His three-year old sister, 'natch.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Friday, July 29, 2011


TO: Preschooler

All the screaming, hitting and crying at nap time doesn't help your case that you do, in fact, NOT need a nap. Rather such behavior confirms that your napping is not only a good idea, but extremely necessary. In the event that we could trade places, I'd be happy for someone to shove me into a dark room with a bunch of fluffy stuffed animals. Please fold the laundry and refrain from climbing over the back of the couch.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

You can too actively ignore something

Today I have:

* dropped and broke my water bottle at the gym, effectively delaying the start of rowing class by several minutes.
* attempted to discover the best way to de-seed watermelon as there were no seedless available at the grocery yesterday.
* colored Elmo and My Little Ponies while actively ignoring the fact that my toes badly need to be repainted.
* frozen trash.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Nerdy, Late-Night Edition

I was just watching Conan and they had a Voldemort look-a-like on. He spoke and I told Josh he was more like the weird uncle on The Adams Family than Voldemort - something about the cadence and raspiness of his voice was wrong. Oh my word, I'm a big ol' Harry Potter NERD.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Captain Readerpants

Mom needs a little time to herself to maintain her sanity, so daily my daughter takes a nap and my son reads. My son is now reading chapter books on his own and I'm SO thankful that means I no longer have to read Captain Underpants. At least until my daughter is old enough to want to read them.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Hear, hear

I just had to put my hand on the dishwasher to make sure it was running. (It was.) I know it's been a long time since we have had a dishwasher that was reasonably quiet, because the kids are amazed. By the dishwasher. Perhaps I shouldn't have waited to replace it until the old one became destined for the crusher.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Let there be (efficient) light

When we moved into our house, lo those five plus years ago, there were light bulbs in the fixtures. They were the normal bulbs and not the lovely (and cooler in rooms with lots of bulbs - important in my hot climate) energy-efficient bulbs that I would have purchased. It seemed so wasteful to just pull out the old bulbs that worked fine and how long could they last, really?

Evidently a long, long time.

Today I treated myself - the eight hot light bulbs in my bathroom are replaced! Perhaps I shouldn't wait five years to treat myself like this again. Aren't I worth $10 in bulbs? Don't answer that.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Heavy machinery

I was helping my daughter learn to use the appropriate amount of sanitary paper today. We have been talking about how two squares (and not ten) is plenty for number one. She was meticulously folding the tissue and announces, "I makin' an airplane, Mommy!" I'm going stop right there.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Where for art thou?

I was sorely disappointed today when I got a package in the mail from Hanes today. My unmentionables arrived, but the super cute clearance bathing suit that I ordered was no where to be found. A closer inspection of the packing slip revealed that the suit order was canceled. Canceled! Do I really have to go to a store and try one on? Oh, the agony.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining

Fun way to start the day. Boy lies about a water bottle that he didn't want to drink at his excursions yesterday:

Instead of telling me the truth - which turned out to be "I wasn't thirsty for it" - he lied:
"I couldn't get it open."
Did you ask for help?
Who did you ask?
"(adult in charge or keeping an eye on him)"
Why didn't he open it?
"He couldn't - it was too hard"
And then I opened it while driving.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Oh, so smooth

The upside to having a sick baby who sits in your bed? Clean sheets on a Monday was an exciting way to start the week.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Monday, July 11, 2011

"Cootied" is too a word.

It's a good thing my daughter is cute and getting over an illness. Otherwise I'd be really irritated that she was up for two hours in the middle of the night and now she gets to take a long nap while I wash the sheets that cootied up with her sickness.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The agony and the... Antibiotics

Strep in the house. One finished antibiotics and the little one spiked a fever. At least it's not a virus what must be waited out, and we got the sushi (takeout) and a movie (DVD), that we'd planned to have while the babysitter would have put the kids to bed. It's not the same as going out, but we did see an Academy Award nominated film. From 2006.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Tastes like chicken

I was busy in the kitchen and my daughter decided it was time to finally taste it. She looked like some sort of deranged, pre-school vampire when she was done - replete with dripping teeth and dirty fingernails - and we had had to throw away all the pink. Play-doh was deemed yucky. Very, very yucky.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

It's like a baseball to the crotch...

Very exciting afternoon around here - America's Funniest Home Videos and pantry cleaning/reorganization. We are equally disgusted and entertained, though I'm not sure which activity is providing the most of either.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Potty girl

I'm potty training my daughter. (Right there. That's a reason not to be jealous.) She thought it would be funny to say that she couldn't get her pants up and came running to the living room with her little privates exposed and her pants around her ankles. You know it was funny - the first 10 times she did it. It's no longer funny - particularly when we have company - but she persists. She's like the Martin Lawrence of potty humor.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The pain and the agony

My oldest had a fever and is now on meds to get better. My day is going to be filled with video games and animated television of his choosing. The variety of inane theme songs stuck in my head today is staggering.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Perchance to dream

I slept in this morning! 6:45 a.m. It was amazing.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Friday, July 1, 2011

I'm a super-fly killa

In the past several months I have killed flies with the following items: magazine, book, pot holder, towel, hair brush, spoon of spaghetti sauce.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

All washed up

I'm unreasonably excited about the decision to use paper plates as much as possible until our new dishwasher is delivered. That's right, I'm excited about paper plates.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

From time to time

I know the intricacies of the operation of a potty watch that came with a box of disposable underwear for the toddler set. I have awesome skills, I know.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Fear of pits

My daughter was frightened by my clumped-up deodorant. Perhaps I should switch to a clear variety.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

I know and so does Santa

I know exactly how many days there are until Christmas, thanks to my son and this.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Liquor store with the kids

In honor of my husband's birthday, I took my kids to the liquor store. I HATE taking them with me for that particular errand, but they will like getting the lolly pop. NOTHING LIKE CANDY FROM A STRANGER IN A STORE FULL OF ALCOHOL.

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.

Coffee is no laughing matter

So the kids were safely eating dinner (Pasta! Of course!) and I was putting the dishes away from the dishwasher. I was warming up an afternoon cup of coffee and decided that I would see how many I could get put away in a minute and 15 seconds...

Don't be jealous of my fabulous life.